areshaonline™

Hurhurhurhurhur. The classic JENG JENG JENG sound.

http://www.manbabies.com is a random site I found today.

Chanced this blog on Facebook posted by my nutter of a cousin, Vickesh. 

But the failblog of the day is this idiot from the USA state of GEORGIA who saw on the news that GEORGIA (The Country) was getting invaded by the Russians. Geography FAIL indeed.

This really made my day. Now for more fun with Syafii and the crew @ Home Club with Prosedur Kloz

… of dysfunction in the land of oz. After 2 months of maidlessness and my grandma’s intervention in trying to help the situation, there is a maid that we need to go and see.

Cept that the maid is my parents call. But none of them want to go and see her because they have better things to do with their time, like their own personal shit. And everybody is calling me but how can I solve your problem? I can’t go because I can’t sign for the maid. My mum won’t go because her royal backside has to be driven there, and we only have one car which is a riotous two seater since my dad’s car is in for repairs.

Yesterday was funny. I played rockband for the first time and my singing actually gets me more points than my drumming on EASY mode. Worse that I don’t know the melodies of all the songs.

Been doing up my resume and mass sending begins today. I need to get away. From my house. From everything. I’m so desperate to get away, the urgency at present is so ridiculous that I’m ready to just pack my bags and leave to some third world country tomorrow to build schools and work in a dense jungle and eat leaves.

I’ve applied for some China Enterprise two-week stint where four people from Singapore get sent there. God knows if i’ll get it, but if i don’t, i’m even contemplating signing up on an airline contract for two years.

I just need TO GET OUT OF HERE.

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Is it just me, or am I just unable to multi-task. I know girls like to talk… and talk… and talk. But would you delve into a conversation about shit you bought (like dumb arsehole crystals)… while someone is on the phone?

And then I have to hang up because I can’t concentrate on either conversation.

And then my dad comes into the room and starts asking me questions like ‘are you having dinner at home’ while my mum is simultaneously talking about some dumb postcards she got.

And then my brother Ashwin, joins in and starts talking…

AND MY MIND JUST FUCKING CAN’T CONCENTRATE. I NEED TO GET LIKE 3 THINGS DONE IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES AND I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR 3 PEOPLE TALKING AT ONCE.

And I hate being in multi-talking mouth situations when I’m concentrating on something - because

1) the person who is interrupting wants attention, and I just want to do what i’m doing 100% because my mind cannot do two things at one time and my mind will start getting confused, hazy and irritated

2) I just like complete silence when I do my work - when i’m really doing something, it takes 100% of my attention span.

Anyway, my mum then exits the room with some bitch comment like “Yah, I know, we take up too much of your time and you don’t enjoy our company.”

GAH.

I can’t even stand things like the loud TV, Radio, shouting kids, multiple dogs barking from different directions and people talking simultaneously to each other. I always feel like running the fuck away. Too many sounds. My brain gets confused.

I’m really starting to think i’ve got a mental problem. Maybe I need some kind of vitamins.

Syafii and I are going to be messing around playing some dubstep.  Was sitting around over glasses of teh reminiscing the times of lovely malay papers, prosedur kloz (cloze passage) and kefahaman (comprehension). Decided to slop it on a flyer for fun! Tuesday gig.

Talk about timely.

Today some lady that works with my dad called my grandma with a “proposal”. (Much to the amusement of my friends and mum) Some chinese lady adopted by an indian family who has been a friend to my dad for some years has a son who’s some triple degree holder from the UK. Apparently he lives in the UK and just came back to SG for a short while and he heads some Research centre. And he saw me and thinks i’m cute and got his mum to call my dad, who doesn’t know how to react to these things - and my dad forwarded the mum to my grandma, who was lovely in handling the situation.

How funny! This is like the 3rd time this year lor.

And as far as the world is concerned, If you ain’t married, you are single. And that’s quite true, in my theory of contracts. LOL.

It’s quite flattering too.

My annoyingly pointless boyfriend has yet again made me fume at questioning the point of acquiring designer brand bags.

I so want to kill him. Because he doesn’t understand the difference between branded bags and some crappy tote from Charles and Keith.

REASONS WHY WOMEN NEED GOOD BAGS

Let me explain to all you CLUELESS males as to WHY WOMEN NEED THEIR GOD DAMN BAGS. (This applies to shoes as well).

One simple reason, between a Hyundai Getz that gets you from point A to point B, versus a Mazda RX8 or a Porsche, what makes one decide to pay for aesthetics?

SIMPLE - because a car is an extension of a man’s mental being. If your machine is good, you look good.

Same with bags. I feel happy to see that I have a Learjet of a bag compared to all other bag-inferior friends who are still running single prop cessnas or helicopters. It is a testament to the shitty world of high heels and suits that we survived and will continue to do so, and take no shite.

Obviously the super-rich have Boeing 747 bags lah, but they is all bich. Because they buy it without thought. It’s just to show that they have thousands millions monies.

AT WHAT LEVEL SHOULD THEY DECIDE TO BUY ONE

I always believe that every working woman feels great joy in walking out of her chosen boutique with a motherfucking giant paperbag. It is a sign of achievement. The simplest of achievements, besides a car and a house. It is the first step and taste of acquisition of public admiration. It is a great fuck you to all those who said you couldn’t. It is a statement for all womenkind to envy, and you can see great change in confidence through this simple leather sac with zips.

I always believe though, that one who’s father doesn’t print money should not:

1. Expect man to buy your first bag as you won’t have the feeling of achievement
2. Borrow money from Mother Father Kao peh kao bu to buy it
3. Spend more than 80% of your monthly salary on a bag
4. Buy more than one bag every within 8 months, or you can buy a more expensive bag once every 16 months
5. Don’t carry fakes after age 18

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN BRANDS (AND THEIR TYPICAL DESIGNS)

Anyway, there’s also a big difference between the three brand categories that I have created based on whatever most people are familiar with. I shall not go into advanced bag knowledge 

1. Louis Vuitton, Dior, Gucci, Burberry

For the: Fickle (usually chinese) consumer who just needs a status symbol and/or likes obese neon pandas and cherry blossoms on cocaine - conservative, to the point brand buyer

I always felt that these brands are the mass market bubble tea brands of mass hysteria. Everyone’s like OMG LV! (What’s so fucking great about the speedy?) It’s the fact that the monograms of these brands are enough to get noticed. Without the hefty price tag and affordable. Good for the fickle. I like the Manhattan ONLY. But their graffiti line is fucking hideous. LVMH is just a power house anyway.

2. Moschino and Chanel

For the: Weirdos who doesn’t think twice about liking simple yet loud kitsch/mod styles of a michael jackson nature or 1950s auntie that would make most people actually feel embarrassed to wear

If pasta shells in rastafarian colours pique your interest - or even looking like a neon everlasting gobstopper or if you like houndstooth disasters.

Note: The Chanel 2.55 doesn’t count because fashion magazines have prostituted it to become a ‘mass market high-fashion’ essential. Thank god it’s ridiculously priced. Chanel also makes hideous nonsense for the blind, which they probably sell at sample sales and then you get all the weird shit on ebay. 

3. Tods, Chloe, Balenciaga, Celine and Mulberry

For the: girl next door, soft spoken, herbal tea type who likes to wear cardigans and look like that long haired twit on Orange County

I just completely find these brands in an Auntie/tai-tai style ‘i’m sweet and i like to knitting’ fashion. The bag usually has something like a thousand strands of leather fringe or a hideous padlock. These bags are usually worn on the arm - although some Mulberrys beg to differ.

4. Prada and some Fendi

For the: Established Ah-lian

This is a don’t fuck with me brand for those that really shouldn’t be fucked with. It is not very expensive but I don’t even want to fuck with girls who carry prada. They are an all for one one for all scratch your eyeballs out if you diss my sisterhood type - even if they are financial advisers or successful insurance agents. 

5. Bottega Veneta 

For the: … 

The bags just look like giant *ketupats so I really got nothing to say.

Bogs brothers are getting married. Paul is getting married. Three of my long time ago friends got married and only one invited me but I didn’t go.

Everyone seems to be getting married.

And Bogs and I were eating Mango ice-cream while scrutinizing the idea of getting married.

And then I had a flash of brilliance. The science of getting married. Let me share it with you.

INTRODUCTION TO THE CONTRACT

Basically, the act of marriage is just two people entering simple contract law. Where harsh social and financial penalties are incurred by both parties -particularly the male, due to billions of lightyears of male infidelity. The children are cut in half or rotated, like roast chickens, and they then go on to join an emo punk band and blame you for everything.

So in essence, one should basically look at the contract as secure means of no running away. Which is really the fancy terminology of sickness and in health blah blah blah, it just means, if you run away, not only will god punish you, so will your lawyer.

REASONS WHY A BOYFRIEND IS USELESS

A boyfriend is just really staying around as a BOYFRIEND instead of subscribing to the contract, so that he can run away with ZERO PENALTIES and say ‘you’re a nice girl, but…’. He has managed to avoid all penalties because there is no legal charge to cheat on you or run away. So he’s basically just being your friend with benefits. And you shouldn’t be giving him benefits, because your CONTRACT is devalued and you need to make more effort - like getting acrylic nails and a Brazilian Wax.

It works in the same principle as a mobile phone. You are not an exclusive provider if you do not make your subscribers sign a CONTRACT. Why give away a phone then? 

REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD JUST ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR CONTRACT ASAP - BECAUSE HE DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT

.Traditional stay-home wives in Japan wake up earlier than their husbands to ensure that their grotesque ugliness never sees the light of day. However, little did they know that the CONTRACT didn’t state that you have to wear a fluffy frock, wear lingerie and make breakfast while getting pregnant.  So, navigate yourself carefully, and know that you are on your way to being able to eat all the ice-cream in the world and never have to paint your toe-nails again because he has already SUBSCRIBED. 

REASONS AS TO WHY THE CONTRACT IS LESS EFFECTIVE IN THIS DAY AND AGE

Back in the day, the contract included things like sex and cooking. But lots of girls have already started to be too kind to guys due to Hollywood movies like Debbie does Dallas and Martha Stewart. So the contract is less appealing to men as it is no longer value added. Minor reasons are inflation and soaring legal fees.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND WANT TO SIGN THE CONTRACT

This is so easy! Just google SALES TACTICS. An example would be:-

Competitive Advantages of Strategic Sales Planning

• Increased closing ratio by knowing clients hot buttons
• Improved client loyalty by understanding needs
• Shorten the sales cycle with outside recommendations
• Outsell competitors by offering the best solution

TRANSLATION:

• Know the “Hot buttons.” Hello. 
• Understand client needs like breakfast, laundry and basic nagging
• Get your friends and their boyfriends to say how lovely and great you are. Pay strangers if you are really a horrible person.
• Put rat poison in all possible threat’s coffee/tea/juice/tit implants

Anyway, just to let everybody know, Celine’s ex-boyfriend has been cursed by me to be a fucked up boy, who’s balls will rot and his bopleh will turn into raisin colour.